Attentive relations

He has a sense of humour. He is kind and soft. He is reliable and worthy trust. With him it is good. She - very sensitive. She - the strong and unusual person. She gentle and understanding. These sets of personal qualities, besides external appeal and security, name men and women, describing the partners (partners) or explaining the choice of the elect (darling) more often. In the people about such steams often speak: "They are created for each other". And still the basic precondition to remarkable relations is balance of feelings and reason. Before to grow fond of another, it is very important to learn to love, to trust in itself, to be happy with itself. Love - not a box of chocolates.

Between extreme to displays of feelings, such as laughter and tears, the person distinguishes thousand intermediate emotional conditions. Energy flows in the world of thoughts and emotions in the same way, as in the physical world. The question only in how to operate this stream of energy in itself. Feelings concern fundamental psychological processes; they arise at various levels and in different scales. Some feelings, such, as hope, satisfaction, pleasure, etc., allow energy to proceed free. Wines, affliction, a rage on the contrary, block an energy current, and sometimes even exhaust it, weakening the person. Such unbalanced kinds of energy play the big role in complication, infringement and even destruction of relations. Some of negative emotions are simple, other more difficult.

To the basic (elementary) negative emotions traditionally carry a rage, euphoria, experience, affliction and fear. In a combination to attachment, misunderstanding and erroneous perception they can turn to such more difficult emotional forms, as envy, roughness, jealousy, contempt, evil intention, etc. Similar emotions dry up an energy stream, block it, and it affects both on health, and relations. To resist to negative emotions, it is necessary to agree in the beginning that is the phenomena with which it is necessary for us to learn to struggle, and then to release, forget them.

The first, that it is necessary to make, is to realise their existence; then it is necessary to accept negative emotions, to recognise their existence; the third step - to pay to them attention, to observe of them, to analyze, trying to understand their nature. Probably, to speak about it is easier, than to make; but if you begin with the first step, regularly moving ahead to the following, will find out what to learn it absolutely simply.

Soon you are personally convinced that these emotions - only the illusions which do not have under self any real bases, is simple conglomerates of reactions. All more clearly distinguishing a ball of feelings disappearing under these emotions, you will simultaneously untangle it, and finally it will disappear, as if a fog in the solar morning. Any strong and good relations begin with each of partners. Only internally counterbalanced person is capable to establish good relations with others. Before to achieve external balance an In and a Jan everyone of us should provide in the beginning internal balance an In and a Jan.

Only having learnt to love, we can grow fond of the partner or other person. Hence, it is the extremely important, that all of us could open balance and happiness first of all in themselves. However, as they say in the Bible, all of us we come to this world in a sin (or, according to Buddhists, we come to expiate the charma). The debalance arises already from the moment of our birth as the counterbalanced reason does not arise from anything, he is created by internal work.

We should overcome difficulties, to study to distinguish them and more effectively to struggle with them. It is quite often possible to hear, how quarrelling reproach each other: "That you are angry?" And in the answer, it is angry: "It I am angry?!" Here to you an example of, how people sometimes at all do not realise the emotional condition and even if to specify to them in it, it will be hard to them to recognise it.

Only having realised the emotional condition, recognising it, the person can pay attention to process of thinking. However already one it it appears enough gradually to come to understanding of that similar emotional conditions are deprived any positive sides, but promise many troubles. And already at this stage of comprehension the person appears is ready to refuse revolting emotional conditions gradually. Principal views of emotional reactions arise as reaction of our six sense organs to the information arriving from the outside.

The information arrives inside; emotions leave outside. Emotions cannot be hidden, and nobody will manage to pretend, as if it is absolutely deprived emotions. Many people fall ill only because, perceiving negative energy, try to constrain inside the reaction to it. It can lead to a cancer or other diseases. It is necessary to allow for emotions to leave freely outside, but one it insufficiently - the attention and comprehension is necessary still. Without attention and comprehension you will be doomed to constant repetition or restraint of emotions, or their liberation. But after all emotions like a rage or fear arise not without the reason and consequently thanks to comprehension we can see these reasons and try to change our relation to them.

From the Buddhism point of view any sufferings arise from attachment, and attachment is formed of the ignorance which are not allowing the person to see the real nature of things. Is better to be able to see through an ignorance and attachment interlacing and consequently, to manage to untie this Gordian knot. Being able to distinguish a debalance as that, we, being able not define a situation at all, led to loss of emotional balance, nevertheless are capable to change them. For this purpose there are the special methods which are not demanding for the full decision a problem of any supernatural insight.

Emotions in mutual relations

In any romantic relations each of partners should be able to consult as own emotions, and with emotions of other person. This one of obligatory and, by the way, absolutely simple conditions of maintenance of relations.

If your partner is angry, the main thing - not to counteract its emotion, not to oppose the rage of its rage. If the rage does not have serious bases, long it will not last. It will be dissolved, as soon as the energy feeding it and when it will occur will be spent, you will have a possibility to understand the reasons of its occurrence. If the rage is caused by the serious reason, agree with this emotion, tell something like: "I understand, you have serious reasons to become angry", - and tell so that the person has believed, that it not an excuse.

It not game in diplomacy because to hide true feelings it is impossible. Accepting a partner rage, you accelerate development of this emotion, helping it to pass all necessary stages. If you oppose own rage the stranger only will strengthen this feeling, strengthen it. It is better to allow to flow to it free, and it will leave. The main thing - to give it necessary time and space. Do not try to constrain a partner rage, do not try to block a way of this rage, but at the same time do not force its display. Direct, but do not adjust. It is the best way to resolve a problem and to return to the counterbalanced condition.

Very important constantly to remember, that the soul in the higher understanding remains invariably pure. As they say in one Zen koan: "the Body - a wisdom tree; reason - a mirror". The primary nature is always pure and sparkness. Negative energies pass through us, not being late because they are not a part us. We represent of what we think. Ten thousand Dharmas are shown through thought; ten thousand troubles also are shown through thought. Thought process creates and supports suffering.

Take, for example, stress. This condition is a product of mad rate of a modern life. But it is necessary to stress to appear in the centre of public attention - and we there and then add oils to fire, recognising as its natural phenomenon. There are programs of struggle against stresses, even more legalising existence of this phenomenon, doing its by normal element of a life.

Any small problem outgrows in big and invincible as soon as there are approved and legalised official techniques of its "treatment". The idea of "attack" to stress and uneasy conditions creates visibility of necessity of such "attacks", as hardly probable not a unique way of struggle against these phenomena. Actually the similar approach quite often appears doomed to defeat. As well as in cases with other kinds of emotional frustration, it is necessary not to attack frustration, not to throw to it a glove, and to realise its existence, clearly to see its roots.

Having understood components of emotional frustration, having seen circumstances causing it, we will understand, that it has under itself no serious bases. In other words, clearly enough and accurately to see the reasons of disturbing emotion that it has vanished into thin air. To create strong relations, you should resound with positive feelings of your partner.

Concentrate on positive emotions, and to negative emotions let's to them pass through you and completely to be dissolved in world around. If the problem situation remains before to analyze your partner, try to understand itself in the beginning. Do not forget: under the theory the In-Jan, an In and a Jan always exist together. Recognising, for example, that the problem is an In, and its decision, accordingly a Jan, we will agree that existence of a problem assumes existence of its decision. Thus the natural decision always is the most simple and accessible.

And still: always leave to the partner a place and possibility for self-display. Never conceal in a soul of insult as the weapon of the future revenge - to these you will exhaust only your own energy. In the past the majority of marriages was arranged with parents young, is frequent without their choice or desires. And still those marriages appeared happy much more often, than many modern. In what a problem: in a society? In our partners? And can, in ourselves?

Transformation of elements and emotions

For example, the rage and anxiety, conditions of maniacal excitation and grief, etc. cannot co-exist together. Things within one category resound with each other, therefore certain emotions are connected with internal bodies corresponding to them. So, the rage influences a liver which is responsible for a stream ци; on the other hand, infringements in liver work are capable to cause irritability. The anxiety influences digestion; the grief is connected with breath, and the fear influences function of kidneys. Any reception of influence on certain internal bodies influences corresponding emotions, and on the contrary.

Emotions - not only psychology

Between a body and reason there is a close interrelation. Intellectual processes consume energy and consequently can quite affect on health. Mentions of reason influence on a body meet already in the Old-Chinese classical medical treatise under the name "the Classical treatise on internal medicine of the Yellow Emperor", written two thousand years ago. Emotional problems - not simply psychological; they originate both in psychology, and in physiology. In other words, they do not arise "from a head", but are formed by all body. Weekly visit to the psychotherapist is only one of ways of the decision of emotional problems, and not always to the best as the psychotherapist can quite not find a problem root if it has arisen on physiological soil.


For example, if the person is easily irritated, the reason of it can be covered in weakness which the Chinese medicine names weakness of system of a liver. That is why attentive and the careful altitude to liver system is capable to facilitate the given problem. In the same way the excessive anxiety can be caused in some people frustration of system of digestion so to treat it will be necessary it, instead of uneasy conditions. The western medicine though has come to deeper comprehension of interrelation between emotions and health, nevertheless is substantially concentrated to the general intellectual and emotional conditions, not paying sufficient attention to steady features of mutual relations between concrete corporal functions and certain emotional displays. The Chinese medicine, on the contrary, realises already many millenia link between emotions and health and co-ordinates certain emotional conditions to infringements of some physiological processes.

Between five basic negative emotions (rather interesting interrelation which is illustrated well by the theory of Five Elements exists a rage, euphoria, anxiety, grief and fear). As these emotions are connected with certain elements, they can be operated the same as also other elements concerning corresponding elements.

To each of elements there corresponds certain emotion, internal body and a sound.

If to consider ways of interconversion of emotions it will appear, that a rage euphoria - to anxiety conducts to euphoria, anxiety - to grief, grief - to fear which, in turn, leads again to a rage.

Intuition development

What is the intuition? How it to define? Perhaps this notorious sixth feeling? Or the intuition is when simply begin something the nobility, itself not understanding, whence and why?

Presumably, following intuition, we should not make errors as intuitive energy is a natural energy of space. But after all happens - and it is frequent enough, - that, relying on intuition, we "attack a rake": "I simply feel, that hi (she) is the good person, we are created for each other!" - and in a week-other: "As I was mistaken!" Really the sixth feeling could so to bring us? No if it there was a present intuition, we would not be trapped. What then the present intuition?

In general, the intuition is the feeling, the very first sensation, the very first thought which has come to mind. But through a share of second to her on change there are tens, hundreds other thoughts so to find that, the first, not always it is possible.

If somebody presents to you a fine rose, you, most likely, hardly will note the first sensation in this occasion as at once be switched to perception: it is a rose, beautiful, scarlet... Here you will feel aroma of a flower and will start to think, that this gift could mean. What was your first thought? Yes it has disappeared for a long time under lots of other thoughts, and you and have not noticed it!

So, how to us all the same to manage to catch these primary sensations? How to develop intuition? Somebody will decide, that it is necessary to do it by means of meditation, evolution of power and to that similar. Yes, such techniques will help a little, but the idea of their studying and application can appear erroneous as she assumes, that for development of the present intuition to you years of special efforts and trainings can be demanded.

The most simple way simultaneously is also the most natural, and it is that way which we already own and we use: to develop in itself intuition, simply start to listen to the sensations. First sensations which you will distinguish, can appear not very first of arisen so prepare to that from time to time all of you will be mistaken.

But your feelings is that tool which at you already is. The most important thing - not to be upset and not to be afflicted, even if first errors will be much. The fast disappointment also compels people to block an exit to internal knowledge and to hope only that others speak to them.

Better simply to recognise, that you have passed the very first sensation, and to continue to listen attentively to yourselves, invariably trusting the ability to "catch" the very first sensation next time. If you trust the sensations very soon will notice how each time your sensations come nearer to the first significant more and more.

It is a little more - and you learn to mark that correct sensation, and a little later reach satisfaction conditions because your knowledge is true. The main thing - do not surrender. Remember that you are the nature Installed, energy of space.

Keenness, comprehension and intuitive understanding are each other capable to enrich love relations considerably. To bring up in itself these feelings easy, and it is absolutely important not to lose sight of them. The attention lack to them already cost happiness to much steams , compatible in rest. Hardly probable not in relations it is possible to name the most grateful event a situation when the partner reacts to your desire needlessly to tell to it what exactly you want. It conducts to communication realisation at very deep level of the communication leaving far beyond the usual world conscious.

Magic of whisper

We often believe, that persistence in a statement is capable to inform thought to the interlocutor.

Actually softness of expression, on the verge of whisper (In), will cause in the one who listens to you, a much bigger resonance because the interlocutor will perceive you also on frequency of the channel an In. That is why in many situations it is better to use whisper.

In whisper the special magic is concluded: for certain you know, that the teacher to whom taming of the got naughty class is hardly given, sometimes by means of whisper reach the best results, rather than by means of shout. Whisper forces pupils to become silent, because everyone would like to learn, that such confidential the teacher wishes to tell.

Human nature is inclined to underestimate force an In, i.e. Force of implicitness(softness), force of weakness. The projection, display, expression are connected with man's energy a Jan.

But an In - force so real, as a Jan! The silent voice, a soft touch, easy and simple thought, a vague image can appear more effective, than their Jans equivalents.

Strong having seized a stone, you will feel only strain in muscles, and only it taking easy and gentle, you will feel both a surface structure, and other qualities of a stone. The same is fair and concerning all our feelings, these our parkways of perception. The strong projection is capable to cause resistance, and perceiving the message basically will feel clumsy rigidity of resistance.

But the soft projection creates at listening to attention, readiness to perceive that inform him. Correct dialogue during correct time will help to create a reliable basis of good relations. And still, despite all good intentions, often there is one more question demanding the answer, - a perception question. Peculiar to men and women various power models conduct to various ways of perception of situations and views on world around. It often leads to inconsistency between man's and female perception of a situation.

For example, the woman can perceive problems in such interrelation which the man not only will not understand, but at all will not notice. Irrespective of, the problem if one of partners perceives the fact of existence of a problem "is how much real", and another - is not present, the real problem arises between them. That is why so it is important to men to be sensitive and attentive to similar "trifles". It demands both the correct relation, and desire to pay attention, both the aggravated comprehension, and keenness - in general, all that is called as ability to be attentive.

For this purpose the intuition is required. One people naturally possess more developed intuition, than others. How it is possible to develop this type of comprehension and keenness? And how to aggravate intuition? Keenness comes easily if the body and reason are weakened, and heart is opened. And one more step will required for intuition.

How to "reach" to the interlocutor

To be truthful, opened, fair with itself - one; and how we communicate as we inform the interlocutor, often appears absolutely another. In any relations always there will be those things which like us, and what do not like us. Accurately to tell that we love that does not contradict us, so important, as simply.

The real problem arises when it is necessary to start conversation that we do not love, or about with what we disagree. Some from these unpleasant things can be not such important, but all the same it is absolutely necessary to realise clearly that these things exist, and at the same time to understand, that they really are not important. Without such understanding we risk unconsciously to project lowlevel irritation each time when speech about these things unpleasant to us will go. On the other hand, if we understand, that it is not of great importance, instead of unconscious irritation we will radiate around clearness and the consent to accept small troubles as a reality.

Certainly, there are moments when we need to be explained accurately and clearly concerning really serious difficulties. Enamoured often try to create the whole schemes and strategy of how to inform these thoughts to the partner, but any game plans, any strategy of love and so forth will be successful only some time concerning the limited purposes, and each of these dodges will have the price which should be paid.

If you do not like that is pleasant to another, you can, of course, try to leave the feelings in yourselves; but as the human body represents open system to which concepts "inside" and "outside" are inapplicable, your efforts will go to waste.

At the same time it does not mean, that it is possible to stuff the partner with the information violently and with martinets frankness.

Smoothly bent path can appear more shortly going straight highway. Do not forget, that recurrence, instead of straightforwardness is peculiar to the nature.

To fill a bucket under a small stream of a stream is easier, than in the roaring mountain river.

The information intentionally submitted in the sharp and direct form, can "not reach" the prospective addressee in whom so unequivocal way of "delivery" can cause negation, and even unwillingness to pay attention to the parcel maintenance. Or the message, having achieved the object, can be rejected back, at all not having impressed the partner. But the information submitted softly and attentively, can achieve the object still before the interlocutor will have a thought on resistance. Remember only, that a smooth line - not a curve rear entrance and that your message, as much as soft, should not lose clearness and clearness.

Such are the general recommendations. Ability to inform the thought to the interlocutor is an art, perfection in which comes with practice and experience; here much depends on partners. In any case, attentive care will always yield the fruits.

Suitable time to address and answer
Starting mutual relations, since the first courtings and finishing already settled, reliable union, it is absolutely necessary for natural rhythms to follow. Clearness of dialogue, clearness of expression and communications of fancies are, of course, important.

The timeliness question is not less important also: when to speak. Human beings - animal rhythmic, and human emotions are shown in various time tendencies. It is very important to understand these tendencies, choosing the most suitable time for a projection and for perception. If one of partners is not in an accepting mode, to another to be engaged in a projection - time and energy waste.

If one of pair - a Jan, another be an In; if one speaks, another (in an ideal) should listen. If one projects disappointment and a rage (Jan), nevertheless it will be better, if the second tries not to answer it the same way. The variant will not work a Jan-Jan, because if one pushes, another should concede him.

To concede does not mean to allow itself to destroy; to concede - means to transform resisting energy, having kept own balance.

Take a young pair: they are professionals, work on the full rate. If the husband, comes home got tired after long and difficult day and will find out, that in the house the disorder, and the supper is not present , his irritation can concentrate on the wife. Thus the wife can resist and return to the husband his anger. Result: two clots of a rage resisting each other. If the wife manages during this moment to neutralise anger of the husband, long evening of mutual reproaches will manage to be avoided. Then, after a supper when the spouse will cool down, the wife can specify it in unreasonableness and injustice of its expectations, and chances that the husband will hear the half and will agree with it, this time will be much more. Possibly, it will lay out a right moment for the wife also behind a negotiating table the cards to solve own problems.

In a symbol of Tai-Dzi a line dividing both uniting an In and a Jan, a curve, instead of a straight line. In other words, if the Jan pushes, ability to concede gives an In an impulse necessary for reciprocal action.

It is possible to measure good relations by degree of execution of expectations and desires. Human feelings are so difficult, that people often avoid attempts to put them into words in attempt to be valid and magic of these feelings. That is why often happens, that people do not wish to state the real desires. To achieve execution of unexpressed desire completely not same, what to achieve execution of the stated desire.

The love is when many words are not necessary. Sincere dialogue, a correct way of the dialogue, correctly chosen time of dialogue - all is the integral components of good relations. To overestimate value of sincere dialogue it is impossible. Truthful words possess force, they get into the depths of soul. Growing up, we study "to push speeches" as if politicians, hoping to inform the thoughts not by means of the truth, and with the help "dialogue techniques". Politicians, as well as actors, require dialogue techniques because they often only feign the truth, instead of bear its to people. And the truth possesses own energy.

The first dialogue

Sincere dialogue vital. However to people and it is sometimes not clear, that they really wish, of what think or that feel. But if to ourselves it is not clear, that we want, that we think or we feel, hardly we can accurately transfer thoughts, feelings and desires to another.

The first - and the most important - a dialogue kind is dialogue with itself (and in itself). To communicate with itself - means completely to understand itself. Only the person completely understanding is capable reliably to communicate with others. After all the people, capable to speak hours while somebody will not interrupt them are familiar to you: "I at all do not understand, that you want". Such often happens with those who speaks, not understanding what exactly he wants.

Clear dialogue with itself which forms a basis for all other kinds of dialogue, arises from self-comprehension process. Only having seized ability to communicate with itself accurately, we can undertake clearing of the questions resulting target dialogue with others.

To understand others, in the beginning it is necessary to understand itself.

In and Jan dialogue

Dialogue includes transfer and reception of the information which we can name, accordingly, Jan and In aspects. If the information receiver works incorrectly whatever powerful was the transmitter, the message will not reach the addressee. In the same way, if the transmitter does not work, no most sensitive receiver can to catch this message. Often we think, that our interlocutor will understand sense of our message as soon as we will start to speak. From here and phrases like "How many time to me to speak to you about...!" Or "I already hundred times said to you, that...".

The man and the woman are an embodiment of a Jan and In, and consequently they possess various characteristic types of energy; hence, their ways of transfer and information reception differ also. Women can be not so frank in expression of the thoughts, as men; men not always good listeners and to it infrequently it is possible to simulate a role of the attentive receiver of the information.

It is very important to realise always the internal nature of these Jan and In distinctions in dialogue questions. It concerns both messages, and to participants of dialogue.

Dialogue secret

We quite often imagine dialogue in the form of an exchange of ideas, thoughts or desires between people. We think, that dialogue proceeds by means of physical means: written or oral speech, a sign language. Actually the human body, as well as the Universe, and all in it, is open system. It never ceases to radiate, accept, exchange energy and the information with everything, that it surrounds. Generally speaking, we are in constant dialogue with everything that is round us including with all existing in space. Though from the practical point of view we consider dialogue as an exchange of target intentions, nevertheless it is impossible to ignore that fact, that actually the spectrum of dialogue is much wider, we want that or not.

Many do not understand up to the end the real mechanism of dialogue; it is more than that, they do not understand, that with dialogue systems it is possible to work the same as with natural systems (for example, with water or air streams). At any kind of dialogue information streams go simultaneously in all directions.

At dialogue always there are aspects a In (unconscious) and Jan (conscious). The Jansky aspect of dialogue is presented by all outwardly obvious communicative components shown at level of the conscious: a voice, intonation, gestures.

The Insky aspect is connected with invisible, unconscious level of dialogue. Certainly, basic part of dialogue perceived by us proceeds on the first (Jansky) structural level: it is a question of the verbal dialogue supported with gestures and a mimicry. However each participant of dialogue, starting to speak, creates a projection, and both at level conscious, and at level of the unconscious. Thus the interlocutor sometimes manages to catch this unconscious component in dialogue, sometimes is not present.
If two communicate among themselves, between them arises four channels of dialogue.
The first channel corresponds to dialogue between conscious and conscious (Jan - Jan) when one of interlocutors states thought, and another perceives the told. The second channel corresponds to conscious communications from one interlocutor and to unconscious perception informed by other interlocutor who thus can feel sense of an event, not assorting an essence of the told. It is channel Jan - In. The third channel assumes communications at the unconscious level, perceived interlocutor at conscious level (thus perceiving the information it is capable to understand, that wishes to inform it визави, not realising and not trying to express this essence outwardly). Such is the channel of dialogue In - Jan. The fourth channel assumes mutual dialogue at level unconscious (channel In - In). Thus any of interlocutors does not give itself the intelligent report in a verbal component of communications, but dialogue is productive.

Fancy, generated and informed by one interlocutor at unconscious level, can be apprehended other interlocutor, passing at both stage of intelligent comprehension. The similar variant of information interchange is capable to influence people even if they obviously do not react to similar dialogue. However, at such kind of dialogue people quite often cannot understand, why and to what they react. Quite often we keep back that in a shower, believing, that so far as it has not been stated verbally (aloud) or невербально (gestures) our interlocutor it will not understand and does not learn.

Actually it not so. People are really capable to "seize" nonverbal, the information transferred nonverbally. For this reason agents on sales believe that value of the goods offered by them is capable to project of the potential buyer their confidence and of advantages of the offered goods, and of end of the transaction without the big efforts.

If the agent on sales is not assured of quality of the goods even at the most skilful verbal dialogue the buyer can feel uncertainty (because buyers perceive nonverbal fancies through channel In-Jan). In any dialogue inclusion of these structural channels occurs simultaneously, but to different intensity. That is why attempts to manipulate people through verbal channels of dialogue are often doomed to failure. To you can even seem, what if you will speak logically and convincingly why associates to agree with you? But will disagree, because will perceive that inconsistent uncertainty which you will radiate at subconscious level. Unfortunately, in attempts to manipulate dialogue the person has developed in itself a habit to use set of useless processes of belief. The truth that the more the person tries to manipulate dialogue, the more its interlocutors realise cherished secrets of such attempts, bringing them to nothing. For this reason an openness and truthfulness - the best ways of effective dialogue.

The Universe - open system in which nothing can be concealed for ever. At really open and truthful dialogue all four systems of communications unite in a single whole; as it is concealed nothing, the difference between the conscious and unconscious does not arise. People spend huge quantities of energy, trying to change each other in communication games. Without it the life would be where easier!